2017 Power Rankings-Week 8
<---Week Seven...Week Nine---> Are You Afraid of the Dark? Welcome to another Halloween Week in the League of Champions. Spooky happenings abound in the LOC, with JarJar Stinks! being tied for sixth place, Sweet Dee's season in an early grave, and the reanimated corpse of ma ma momma said rising in the light of the crescent moon to feast on the playoff hopes of Garoppoblow Me. For sure this is the strangest year of football the league has ever known. Unlike in previous years, there are very few consistent players (or teams), and almost everyone seems to be underperforming. That being said, someone has to win this thing. Is it already too late for some of us? Well, 2-5 teams can relax: 2-5 Papa won the Glory Bowl in 2011. 3-4 teams can stop stressing as well. 2-4 made it to the Glory Bowl (and got stomped) in 2012. I don't have anything uplifting to say about 1-6 except you can still technically make it to the playoffs. We have a very scary power ranking writeup this week. Because of time constraints we have almost no pictures which means mostly words AKA everyone's greatest fear. This year, our Halloween theme is "Are You Afraid of the Dark" episode titles. Which one applies best to your team? Keep reading to find out. The Tale of the Photo Finish On a weekend when "Boo 2: A Madea Halloween" finished number one at the domestic box office, Paddock 9 found themselves in a terrible horror movie of their own as they saw their league evaporate on Sunday and disappear like the ghost of the Patriots Offensive Line on Sunday night. It all started with a huge day from Alex Smith, Paddock 9's new starting QB. The decision to bench Carr seemed like a mistake for Duck Punchers until Dak Prescott dropped 49.81 against the 49ers. Paddock 9 made like Michael Myers in Halloween and chased points from Adrian Peterson. Turns out last week's points don't mean shit for this week. Back and forth they went Sunday afternoon, Aaron Jones killing it for P9 while Duck Punchers survived with no real stars but a balanced day across the board. On Sunday night it came down to Taylor Gabriel and Brandin Cooks vs. Rob Gronkowski. P9 held a slight lead until Gronk blocked for Cooks on a TD pass from Brady, giving Duck Punchers a lead. Back and forth they went all night, with Gabriel and Gronk underperforming and taking it down to the final clock killing drive for the Patriots. It was then that Cooks was hit with a nice first down pass that gave DP JUST enough to squeak by P9. This game was so close that we had to wait for stat adjustments, which actually gave DP slightly more points. How bad was P9's weekend. Well, the Falcons STINK. THEY STINK! I'd say this was about the worst possible outcome for Paddock. Now that the series is tied 6-6, their week 11 matchup looks to be another one for the ages. The Tale of the Unfinished Painting The season might not be over but we are starting to get a better idea of what the finished product will look like for our busts of the year. Let's take a look at the stats as they appear today. The Tale of the Hungry Hounds Fournette is once again dealing with an ankle injury that plagued his pre-season and his college career. This is a huge issue as we approach the playoffs, but as long as he is healthy he is a top five RB in the league. At the opposite end, am I the only one who is not crazy about Joe Mixon? Why are so many people trying to get this guy from MMMS? The season is almost over. When is he going to start doing stuff? The Tale of the Zombie Dice Jon Gruden voice: "I call this section the tale of the zombie dice because your first round pick is always a gamble and half of the picks end up dead." As crazy as this sounds: The Aaron Rodgers injury negatively impacts Jordy Nelson more than it does Aaron Rodgers. I mean, how can GBM bench Jordy? And yet, look what we are dealing with here. He and Julio Jones are healthy and they are being outscored by DeMarco Murray. The Tale of the Guardian's Curse Quick MattJinx update: a few people are wondering how I seem to be able to use the MattJinx to control the outcomes of other games but not my own. I'm pretty sure it's because in order to tap into the powers I have to make a sacrifice and this week I had to sacrifice my own win in order to make sure Paddock 9 suffered a bone crushing defeat. The Tale of Highway 13 Here are 13 spooky stats. LOC * The Duck Punchers becomes the first team to reach 60 combined wins. This is a huge success. Several teams won’t be able to accomplish this in the current decade. * Pain Train becomes the 5th team to reach 40 regular season losses. * The Shotti Bunch and JarJar both tied the longest win streak in their respective franchise histories this week. TSB is on a 5-game win streak for a third time, and JJS is on a three-game win streak for a third straight season. * Pain Train leads Paddock 9 in the standings by 0.50 points. * MMMS becomes the 3rd team to reach 60 combined games over 200 and 4th team to reach 50 regular season games over 200. NFL * Matt Ryan (TSB) is currently at a career low in touchdown rate (3.4%) * Christian McCaffrey (PP) is on pace to tie the rookie record for most receptions in NFL history. * Joe Mixon (MMMS) did not get a carry for the entire second half of Sunday's game. * Per Field Yates: Mark Ingram (RIP) in 4 games before the Adrian Peterson (P9) trade: 57 total touches, 295 yards, 0 TD. In 2 games since: 56 touches, 260 yards, 3 TD. * Before the bye, CJ Anderson (GBM) played 70% of snaps. Since the bye, he is averaging just 53%. * Kareem Hunt (DP) has finished as a top-16 back every week this season. * Jay Ajayi (MMMS) is 42nd among all runningbacks in targets per game. * Drew Brees (DEE) has only finished as a top-8 QB once. The Tale of the Mystical Mirror This is breaking and frightening news. Folks, I hope you are all sitting down. I have made contact with the Mirror League. Now, I know what you're all thinking. The Mirror League exists in the Dark Universe. Tapping into its powers is strictly forbidden by the Fantasy Gods. That's why Paddock 9 sucks so bad. For full disclosure, they reached out to me and I am providing you with the transcript of the event. They went silent after that, which I assume is because of subspace interference caused my spacial distortions. But my feeling is that the barrier is now up. Pat, you will no longer have access to the Dark Powers that drove your team to four wins. I don't know what to expect from your team from here on out but I would apologize to the Gods while you still can. Before we continue, let me make one thing very clear: I do not give a FUCK about the Denver Broncos twitter account. I don't care about how well-respected we are by the internet. You know what I care about? Having the best damn league with the best people. Having power rankings that are legitimate and non-biased. Having a weekly sports show with special guests. Having people who talk shit but still respect one another enough to not sleep with someone else's sister (although we better watch out for Pat I hear he's into that kind of thing). I do not give a fuck about the Mirror League. They can rot in their Dark Universe with their crooked Commish and their dirty rules and their 100 followers. WE WILL REIGN SUPREME IN THIS WORLD AND IN ALL WORLDS. (But like, don't tell them I said that because we're in a peace treaty). The Tale of the Captured Souls Time now for the week eight power rankings. Let's see how our ten souls, captured by the fantasy season, stack up halfway through the year. 1. The Tale of the Dark Dragon * The Shotti Bunch (6-1) Nine teams can go 6-1 and it would be a story. Not Shotti. 6-1? Why isn't he 7-0? There is no ceiling for this guy. It's almost like he visited Sardo the Magician and bought a potion to make him unstoppable. It has worked for years but at some point this magic has to wear off...right? For now, Shotti is the Dark Dragon: a force to be reckoned with in the LOC. 2. The Tale of the Walking Shadow * RIPDab (5-2) If Shotti has a shadow, his name is RIP. Always lurking just behind the Dragon, the Walking Shadow finds himself once again following in the footsteps of the defending champ. What is it going to take for RIP to take the next step and become more than a shadow of greatness? 3. The Tale of the Closet Keepers * The Duck Punchers (5-2) Duck Punchers sneaky has a great arsenal of keeper options for next season. There is no one more valuable as a keeper than Kareem Hunt, but he also has two solid QBs to choose from (unless he trades Carr), not to mention the Duke himself. And let's talk about everyone's new favorite WR: JUJU!!!! DP has some good JuJu heading into a great game against DP for 2nd place. 4. The Tale of Train Magic * Pain Train WOO WOO (4-3) If I wasn't running late on my rankings the choo choo gif would go here, but in a mocking capacity. After Pain Train said he was smarter than everyone in the league by picking up Chris Ivory, he got absolutely throttled by RIPDab and Chris Ivory STUNK! The good news for Pain Train is they have Dee and JarJar three of the next four weeks. 5. The Tale of Many Faces * Paddock 9 (4-3) Bad beat for Paddock 9. If only they hadn't chased Adrian Peterson's points from last week and started...oh shit, they really didn't have anyone else, huh? How is it that a team with so many faces being added and dropped somehow ended up with an entire bench on the bye? 6. The Tale of the Misfortune Cookie * Garoppoblow Me (3-4) GBM has now lost to four teams, all of whom were having the best weeks of their season. This is the first time they lost when scoring over 200 points. Things might be looking up, but they still have one tough bye week to get through. Are they really going to lose to JarJar and be out of playoff contention for the first time since 2014? Are they?? COME ON. 7. The Tale of the Reanimator * JarJar Stinks! (3-4) This team has been reanimated with the return of Doug Martin. Their defenses are on fire and their QB situation isn't as bad as it used to be. Hell, this team is so unpredictable I'm actually starting to think they could run the table. 8. The Tale of the Dead Man's Float * ma ma momma said (2-5) So the fantasy season is on life support, but this presumed dead team is still floating around near the bubble spot seven weeks in to the year. Zeke and Bell are a two-headed monster that seems unstoppable. If those two guys each put up 40 points a game they might not need much else to be relevant late in the year. If they want to go from floating dead guy to floating guy with a chance to win it all they need to get by reeling Paddock 9 this weekend. 9. The Tale of the Frozen Ghost * Papa's Pussies (2-5) Papa surely seems like a ghost of his former team, frozen in place right around the 7 seed. This Halloween they get to deal with the horror of Larry Fitz losing his starting QB. The Pussies are going to need to prey on Sweet Dee and pray that their fantasy season isn't over along with Carson Palmer's. 10. The Tale of the Dream Girl * Sweet Dee (1-6) Who would have thought six weeks ago that Dee would be sitting in tenth with the worst starting record in franchise history? A few people? Oh. Well...Anyway. I want to come clean. Dee. You were right to draft the Los Angeles Rams defense. Number three fantasy defense. The Chargers? They're only number four! I'm glad you took advantage of the 97 points these last two weeks. Oh, you dropped the Rams? And your opponent picked them up and beat the shit out of you with them. Oh... The Tale of the Gruesome Gourmets We have a delicious slate of games this weekend yet again, with six teams playing teams who are right next to them in the standings. Two playing three means a bye spot is up for grabs. Six playing seven means a playoff spot is up for grabs. And nine playing ten means last place is up for grabs. There will be grabbing. I repeat: there will be grabbing! ---- The Tale of the Long Ago Locket Paddock 9 (4-3) and ma ma momma said (2-5) are far removed from their peaks. Let's be honest. MMMS hasn't strung two wins together since 2014. Paddock 9 is spiraling out of control with his injuries. Yes, long ago, these two teams seemed like title contenders, but now they both face off for a chance to just stop the bleeding. These two teams are tied 4-4 against one another. MMMS is projected to pull a revolution (this Are you Afraid of the Dark episode was about the Revolutionary War...get it?) but he also does not have enough WRs on his roster to field a team. ---- The Tale of the Last Dance Papa's Posse (9th place) takes on Sweet Dee (10th place) in a matchup that will basically eliminate the loser. For one team, this is their last dance. For another, a second chance. These teams are 4-4 lifetime against one another. Good battle at QB (Brees vs. Cousins) and TE (Graham vs. Ertz). ---- The Tale of the Unexpected Visitor When Garoppoblow Me (3-4) and JarJar Stinks (3-4) face off this weekend, the winner will be in a playoff position and the loser will not. By Sunday, the team many believed was the worst of all time could be an unexpected visitor in the playoff race. JJS has not lost since the last time these two teams faced. JJS is 3-2 against GBM and on a three-game win streak. GBM has Fournette, Nelson, Jax Def, Shepard, and Walker all on the bye. This would be an upset for the ages if JJS can pull off four straight wins. ---- The Tale of the Full Moon The Shotti Bunch (6-1) vs. Pain Train WOO WOO (4-3) wouldn't have been a great matchup last season, but this year there is much more on the line. As the full moon approaches, one has to wonder if this is one of those rare times of year that Shotti turns into an average team and gets taken down. Superstar Todd Gurley is on the bye and Cam Newton/Matt Ryan are proving more of a headache than expected. We'll see if Pain Train can take down the beast for just the third time in their nine matchups. This is a Glory Bowl III rematch and the second of two meetings this season. ---- The Tale of a Door Unlocked RIPDab (203.92) vs. The Duck Punchers(188.20) * 2017 Records ** RIPDab: 5-2 (2th) ** The Duck Punchers: 5-2 (3rd) * Head-to-Head Wins ** RIPDab: 4 ** The Duck Punchers: 2 * Key Players on Bye (RIP) ** Ty Montgomery * Key Players on Bye (DP) ** Evan Engram * Key Injuries (RIP) ** DeVante Parker (Questionable) * Key Injuries (DP) ** 0 * Players to Watch (RIP) ** Andy Dalton: Great matchup on paper for him but after Carson Palmer went down last week who knows what to expect from the latest Dab QB. ** Mark Ingram: This guy has been a beast since Peterson left town. Make it three straight weeks of balling out and we have to start putting this guy in the same convo as Bell and Elliot. ** Doug Baldwin: Peppered with targets last week and is supposed to be a huge threat for Seattle so maybe the bye did him some good and he's finally emerging as the WR1 he's supposed to be. * Players to Watch (DP) ** Dak Prescott: Dak looks to be the QB for the future, so what will one more great performance from the Dallas star do for Derek Carr's place on this roster? ** AJ Green: Just when you thought Green had arrived he gets targeted just five times against Pittsburgh. What can we expect from the first round pick this weekend? ** Nick O'Leary: We are really hurting for Tight Ends this season, but DP thinks he's found a fit in Ol' Nick O'Leary. A good Irish name if ever there was one (who cares if he was born in Palm Beach). This is perhaps one of the biggest anomalies in the LOC. These two teams have faced each other just six times in six years, meaning they have never met in the playoffs and they have never faced off more than once in the same season. Here, in season seven, comes their seventh and perhaps most crucial matchup. I have decided to call this game the Tale of a Door Unlocked because the door to a bye spot is open and one of these teams gets to walk through with a win. Now, I know that we are still only halfway through the year, but to be one of only two teams to reach 6 wins through eight weeks is a big achievement. 6 wins is almost an auto-in here in the LOC. The door is open for one of these teams to basically clinch their spot in the post-season. RIP owns the series edge 4-2 and these two, for the first time, will meet twice in 2017. Both games could be potential playoff previews.